'Tis the Season to be trolled and sent up the Falcao Garden of Golden Dreams.
The BSM grow more disgruntled every day and the WOB will undoubtedly use AFC not signing any of the players below as yet another reason to fill your twitter timeline with tomfoolery.
We can expect to be inundated with "this star's coming, that deadwood's going" headlines for the next month or so - and to avoid sounding like a broken record, new names will be drawn out of the Mirror Football hat every Monday. Whilst Arsene has said that we "may be looking at two players, plus a loan for Henry", we've sort of been here before. With that in mind, (to save you half the bother) i've written a 2-part summary of some of the top names that have been linked with the club in what's bound to be another Sheikh dominated January Transfer Window. This is the first.
First on the list has to "£6m Dutchman Klaas Jan Huntelaar"; a goalscorer who has flopped on the big stage at both Real Madrid and AC Milan, this 29 year old FC Schalke 04 striker has 5 goals in 14 Bundesliga games this season. He's famously in the last year of his contract, and his agent seems to be hard at work to engineer an offer; should be available cut-price.
England's recent debut boy Wilfried Zaha, 20, who could still play for the Ivory Coast, is a winger slash attacking mid with a fair bit of flair up his rather lanky long sleeve. Plays for Crystal Palace in the nPower Championship and of yet, has 4 goals in 18 games this season.
Moroccan international Adel Taarabt, QPR's "creative spark" is a controversial 23 year old attacking midfielder who has 2 goals (+1 assist) in his 9 Premier League games this season. As 'Arry's just turned up at Loftus Road, one can only summise as to the comings and goings that could take place over the next 6-8 weeks. Adel seems to have a reputation for making a nuisance of himself, will Arsene find a place for him?
Fernando Llorente, Spanish International Forward, 27. Has one goal so far, which came in his only full, 90' minute La Liga appearance. Has been involved in what i can only describe as a "most troubling situation" with his current club, Athletico Bilbao. Look out for a post on the "Walcott-syndrome" that a fair few of these players are suffering from.
Adrian Lopez, attacking midfielder/forward, 24. Plays for Atletico Madrid and has one goal in 12 starts this season (all competitions). He's the back-up to the man-God that is Falcao, and he's another player that's been making demands; some of them slightly outrageous - my favourite of which is probably "i want to play football."
Hatam Ben Arfa, attacking midfielder, 25. Plays for Newcastle United and has 2 goals and 2 assists in his 12 Premier League starts so far this season. If you've seen him play, you know why we're "in for him." Whether we're actually going anywhere near making an offer is yet to be seen, and probably depends on Theo's situation.
Radamel Falcao, striker, 26. Plays for Atletico Madrid and has an impressive 11 goals in his 12 La Liga starts this season. Those are the stats. Keep dreaming. Chelsea seems the likely destination unless City do some moving around. We'd almost certainly be looking at a minimum of £40m and that, is where this one ends.
Uruguay's Edison Cavani, striker, 25, Napoli. Has scored at an incredible rate this season with 15 in 14 games (all competitions). Napoli's ever-so-slightly eccentric Chairman recently quoted as saying, "he's not leaving. Unless we get £70m offer." Moving ever so swiftly on.
Stewart Downing, Liverpool who has just the one, solitary Europa League goal to shout about this season. I can only pray that us being linked with this Liverpool winger - i mean, left back - is a media mockery, something started on twitter, no doubt. Keep your nonsense, IKOs.
Isco, 20, Malaga. has had a brilliant term so far, with 5 goals and 3 assists this season (all competitions). This one's probably me dreaming myself, but.. he's amazing on FIFA, so sign him up Arsene! Or you're out! ;)
That's about all for now - hope you enjoyed a light-hearted look at some players who probably aren't coming anywhere near the club.
If you need more, I've made two youtube videos covering the Transfer Talk (see below) and i'll undoubtedly write another one of these shortly, specifically covering Abou/a half decent lump we can stick in the middle.